Lexicon

The scene's vocabulary, without euphemism: what each term means, where it comes from, and who coined it.

Theme area

Aftercare The care partners give each other after a scene — comfort, hydration, talk — to ease the comedown and reconnect. Kink Afters The smaller, more intimate continuation of a party after the club closes, often stretching into the next day. Scene Aromantic Someone who feels little or no romantic attraction — independent of whether, or whom, they desire sexually. Gender & orientation Asexual (ace spectrum) Someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction; an umbrella spanning a spectrum ('ace'). Gender & orientation

Beige flag A beige flag is a quirk in a partner that's neither a dealbreaker nor a win — just odd, mildly baffling, and somehow worth mentioning out loud. Dating Benching Keeping someone on hold as a backup option instead of committing or letting go. Dating Bisexual Someone who feels attraction toward more than one gender. Gender & orientation Body positivity Body positivity is the stance that every body deserves respect and acceptance exactly as it is — a claim born in fat-liberation activism, not in a marketing department. Sex positivity Brat / brat taming A submissive who plays by cheekily resisting or provoking, inviting the Dom to 'earn' control; brat taming is the counterpart dynamic. Kink Breadcrumbing Sending just enough sporadic attention to keep someone interested, with no intent to commit. Dating

Catfishing Catfishing is building a fake online identity — someone else's photos, a borrowed backstory, a name that isn't yours — to reel a person into a relationship that was never real. Dating Collar / collaring A collar is a consensual, worn symbol of a submissive's bond and belonging in a D/s dynamic; "collaring" is the act — often a ceremony — of putting it on. Kink Compersion The warm, happy feeling you get from seeing a partner enjoy another relationship — often called the opposite of jealousy. Non-monogamy Compulsory sexuality / allonormativity Compulsory sexuality is the default assumption that everyone is — and should be — sexual, plus the everyday machinery that treats not wanting sex as a defect to explain, cure, or pity; allonormativity is the worldview sitting underneath it. Sex positivity Consent culture A social norm where asking first and freely agreeing is the default in every interaction — the deliberate positive counterpart to rape culture. Consent

Demisexual Someone who only feels sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond; on the asexual spectrum. Gender & orientation Dominant / submissive (D/s) Roles in a consensual power dynamic — one directs, the other yields — for a scene or as an ongoing relationship. Kink Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) An agreement to be non-monogamous while deliberately keeping the details of outside relationships off the table — no questions asked, nothing told. Non-monogamy Door policy A door policy is a venue's set of criteria — often deliberately subjective — for deciding who gets in, used to curate the crowd and protect the room's safety, balance and vibe. Scene Dungeon monitor / consent monitor A designated, identifiable staffer at a play event whose whole job is to watch over safety and consent — and to step in the moment a boundary breaks. Scene

Enthusiastic & affirmative consent A standard where a clear, eager yes is required — silence or lack of resistance is not consent. Consent Ethical / Consensual Non-Monogamy (ENM/CNM) The umbrella for any relationship style where partners agree to romantic or sexual connections outside the couple, honestly and with consent. Non-monogamy

Fluid bonding Fluid bonding is a negotiated agreement between specific partners to drop barriers during sex — held together by shared STI testing, explicit limits, and ongoing honesty. Non-monogamy FRIES A five-point checklist for good consent — Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific. Consent

Gay Gay names someone drawn — emotionally, romantically, sexually — to people of their own gender; long the default word for men who love men, though plenty of women claim it too. Gender & orientation Gender expression Gender expression is the outward signal of gender — clothes, hair, voice, body language, the way you take up space — and it's separate from the internal sense of who you are. Gender & orientation Gender identity Gender identity is your own internal sense of your gender — woman, man, both, neither, or somewhere else — whether or not it matches the sex you were assigned at birth. Gender & orientation Genderfluid Genderfluid describes a person whose gender identity isn't fixed: it shifts over time — sometimes across years, sometimes day to day — within the nonbinary spectrum. Gender & orientation Genderqueer Genderqueer is an identity for people whose sense of gender sits outside the man/woman binary — blending it, refusing it, or moving between. Gender & orientation Ghosting Ending a relationship by suddenly cutting off all contact, with no warning or explanation. Dating Green flag A green flag is a trait or behaviour that signals someone is safe, honest and worth getting closer to — the reassuring opposite of a red flag. Dating

Heteroflexible Someone mostly straight but occasionally open to same-gender attraction. Gender & orientation Hierarchy (primary / secondary) Hierarchy is polyamory's ranking system: a "primary" partner gets more time, commitment and decision-making power than a "secondary" one — whether by explicit rule or just by how life shook out. Non-monogamy

Impact play Impact play is any kink built on striking the body — spanking, flogging, paddling, caning — where the hit itself is the point. Kink

Kink-positive An attitude — and increasingly a clinical standard — that treats consensual kink and BDSM as valid sexual expression, not deviance to be diagnosed or cured. Sex positivity Kitchen-table / Parallel polyamory Kitchen-table and parallel polyamory name the two poles of metamour contact — one network hangs out together like family, the other keeps each relationship running on its own separate track. Non-monogamy

Lesbian A woman drawn to other women — emotionally, romantically, or sexually — an identity defined by attraction and self-recognition, not by any track record. Gender & orientation Limits (hard / soft) Hard limits are absolute no-gos; soft limits are things someone is wary of but might try under the right conditions. Kink Love bombing Love bombing is a flood of affection, attention and grand gestures early in a relationship, used to fast-track intimacy and quietly gain control. Dating

Metamour Your partner's other partner — someone you're connected to through a shared partner but aren't dating yourself. Non-monogamy Munch A casual, no-play social meetup for kink/BDSM people in a public venue, meant for low-pressure socializing. Kink

Negotiation The explicit conversation before play where partners agree on activities, limits, safewords and aftercare. Kink Nesting / anchor partner A nesting partner is one you share a home with; an anchor partner is the steady, entangled relationship you build your life around — both name closeness by shared life rather than by rank. Non-monogamy New Relationship Energy (NRE) The intense excitement and infatuation at the start of a new relationship, which can temporarily overshadow existing ones. Non-monogamy No-photo policy A no-photo policy is a venue rule that bans photographing, filming or recording on the floor — often with the phone camera taped over at the door — so people can lose themselves without ending up on someone's feed. Scene Nonbinary Nonbinary is an umbrella for gender identities that don't sit cleanly in "man" or "woman" — both at once, neither, something in between, or something the two-box system never had a word for. Gender & orientation

Open relationship A committed couple who agree that one or both partners can have sexual — and sometimes romantic — connections with other people, out in the open. Non-monogamy

Pansexual Someone attracted to people regardless of gender. Gender & orientation Play party An organized private event where guests can engage in BDSM or sex within agreed house rules and explicit consent. Scene Polyamory Openly having, or being open to, more than one loving relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge and consent. Non-monogamy Polycule The whole connected network of people linked by relationships — a 'molecule' of partners and metamours. Non-monogamy Polyfidelity Polyfidelity is non-monogamy with the door shut: three or more people committed to each other, equal in standing, and closed to anyone outside the group. Non-monogamy Purity culture Purity culture is the mostly-evangelical belief system that pins your worth as a person to sexual abstinence, and hands you lifelong shame as the side effect. Sex positivity

Queer Queer is an umbrella term for anyone living outside straight and cisgender norms — a word that spent a century as an insult before the community took it back and started wearing it on purpose. Gender & orientation Questioning Questioning is being actively unsure — the open, valid state of exploring your sexual orientation or gender identity before, or instead of, settling on a label. Gender & orientation

Red flag A red flag is a behavior or trait that works as an early warning sign — a signal that someone is likely to hurt you, waste your time, or cross your boundaries. Dating Relationship anarchy Rejecting fixed rules and hierarchies between relationship types, letting each connection define its own shape. Non-monogamy Relationship escalator The default social script that says an intimate relationship must move up a fixed sequence of steps — dating, exclusivity, moving in, marriage, kids — or it doesn't count as the real thing. Non-monogamy Roster Your active line-up of dating prospects — the several people you're seeing at once before anyone goes exclusive. Dating

Sadism & masochism (S&M) S&M is taking erotic pleasure in giving (sadism) or receiving (masochism) intense sensation — pain included — inside a consented frame. Kink Safe call A check-in call arranged with someone you trust before meeting a new partner — and a plan for if it never comes. Kink Safer space A party or collective's explicit, usually written commitment to keep harassment and judgment out — called "safer," not "safe," because no room can promise zero harm. Scene Safeword A pre-agreed word or signal that any participant can use to instantly pause or stop a scene. Kink Sex-negativity The stance — cultural, moral, or political — that sex, or particular practices like porn, kink or sex work, is inherently dangerous and suspect rather than a neutral part of being human. Sex positivity Sex-positivity An approach to sexuality that treats all consensual sexual expression as healthy and free from shame or moral ranking. Sex positivity Sexual autonomy Sexual autonomy is your right and your real capacity to decide the terms of your own sex life — whether, when, how, and with whom — free from coercion, pressure, or punishment. Sex positivity Sexual orientation Sexual orientation is the durable pull of your emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction toward other people — or toward none. Gender & orientation Shibari / Kinbaku Japanese-rooted rope bondage where shibari names the tying itself and kinbaku the tight, erotically charged binding — a clean split the West drew more than Japan ever did. Kink Situationship A romantic or sexual relationship that both people leave deliberately undefined, with no agreed label or commitment. Dating Slut-shaming Criticizing or humiliating someone — usually women — for their real or presumed sexual activity, under a gendered double standard. Sex positivity Soft launch A soft launch is hinting at a new relationship on social media — a hand, a shadow, half a face — without ever naming or fully showing who you're dating. Dating Solo polyamory Practicing polyamory from the center of your own life instead of from inside a couple — no default shared home, joint finances, or ranked "primary," because you are your own anchor. Non-monogamy SSC / RACK / PRICK The three kink-ethics slogans — SSC (safe, sane, consensual), then RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), then PRICK (personal responsibility, informed consensual kink) — each one rewriting the last to be more honest about risk. Kink Subspace An altered, floaty or trance-like headspace a bottom can drop into during intense play. Kink Swinging Recreational, sexual non-monogamy — a distinct subculture with its own lineage, separate from polyamory. Non-monogamy Swipe (right / left) Swiping right or left is the dating-app gesture that turns a half-second yes-or-no on someone's profile into the app's core mechanic — right for interested, left for pass. Dating Switch Someone who takes both sides of a BDSM dynamic — dominant and submissive, top and bottom — moving between them by partner, scene, or mood. Kink

Top / bottom The top does the acting-on in a scene, the bottom receives it — roles in play, not necessarily who holds power. Kink Total power exchange (TPE) / 24-7 A D/s dynamic that extends across all of life, not just discrete scenes. Kink Triad / throuple / quad / vee Named shapes a polycule can take — three all connected (triad/throuple), four (quad), or a "V" where one hinge dates two people who aren't dating each other. Non-monogamy

Unicorn / unicorn hunting A "unicorn" is the bisexual woman an established couple goes looking for so she'll date both of them on the couple's terms, and "unicorn hunting" is that search — named for how rarely anyone actually agrees to it. Non-monogamy

Veto Veto is a rule that hands one partner the power to shut down another partner's outside relationship — often with no reason required. Non-monogamy

Whorephobia Whorephobia is the stigma, hostility, and discrimination directed at sex workers — the social machinery that treats selling sex as grounds to strip someone of respect, safety, or rights. Sex positivity Wibble A small pang of insecurity when you see a partner being affectionate with a metamour — real, but usually fleeting. Non-monogamy

Zombieing Suddenly resurfacing to contact someone you previously ghosted — as if nothing happened. Dating